Just a regular Sunday preparing for the week ahead, although today I decided to watch a film while I did the ironing for the first time in a looooong time,......'A Brighter Place'......chosen because I love a love story..... Now feeling that actually I needed to see so much more than a Happy ever after.....
As I sit here tears streaming down my cheeks, I feel awakened and called to share what has triggered me, again in the bid to reach out and acknowledge that its ok to not have it all figured out....
6.5 years ago I lost my dad tragically to suicide, apparently that makes me a survivor of suicide, I disagree.... I don't feel like I survived it wasn't my fate to survive.... I carried on existing a little more closed and a lot less present.
Emotion scares me, I am afraid to cry for fear of never stopping, I thought I was coping but actually I was blocking and decided subconsciously that my reason for feeling this way was because I suffered such huge loss.... that I was strong and that I would be ok because ' if I can survive suicide' I can survive anything.....
My journey of self development was originally to address the grief I had surpressed ( still working on this), but it has lead to so much more....
I will miss my dad forever, I am accepting of his choice despite the level of pain it brings me but I am no longer willing to live this as my story....
Losing my dad has taught me to be grateful for everything, but especially grateful for the control I have on my life choices.... he worked his whole life trying to people please and 'fix' everything that in the end it made him seriously ill and eventually was the cause of his death.
Living with barriers I would announce openly "I'm not going to make myself ill like dad did" but actually this was suppressing my empathy, I was becoming closed off from feeling anything to avoid being hurt and so came across as cold and uncaring.....then I would feel guilty and then anxious and so it went... on and on and on.....
I am learning to have boundaries, but to not have barriers.... I am learning to re-find my true self, the girl that believed in fairy tales and happy ever after, the girl that dared to dream and the girl that wished upon every star.....
I was creating barriers long before dad passed, I had no confidence, I felt worthless, Ive made bad relationship choices based on how I devalued my worth, I have lived in the vicious cycle of choosing a life that I was familiar with instead of the life I desire and know I deserve.
I have resided in this place of comfort and failed to see all the beauty and wonder still available to me....
I have become so fixated on 'fixing' that I have overlooked the simple truth.... happiness is not mine to find, I never lost it, I just stopped seeing it and feeling it...
My heart is open, my tears are able to flow and that fire in my chest is there to remind me of all I have overcome but I am free to move forward I don't need to be stuck anymore.
Bitterness reminds us of all we need to heal....
Tears are all that we feel we need to release.....
Fear is there to protect us....
Love is a choice that guides us forward.....
A slightly rambled post today, but i felt called to type in the midst of an emotional breakdown....
The world can only be a brighter place if you choose to see it and contribute to its brightness.....
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